Wednesday, October 7

One Year

Happy birthday my darlings! I wish I knew what to say, but for once I find myself at a loss of words. I'm conflicted, you see. I want this last year back. I want to be holding a snuggly little five pound creature with the tiniest hands I've ever seen again. I want those days back where I was so exhausted I couldn't feel my feet—where we sat in the rocking chair in your room and I just hoped to God you wouldn't wake up your Daddy and I could just have five more minutes with you.

I wish I could have made some better decisions this last year. Sitting at the computer and thinking back I find myself thinking solely about myself: my feelings and my actions. I wish I could start over.

But I don't wish we could start over. See, I can find all the places I went wrong, all the places where I probably should have done things differently. But I don't look back and see one single thing you could have done differently. You were, and continue to be, the best babies in the world. You did everything I ever dreamed you would do during the first year. Well, except really walking on your own, but that will come. You've gained weight—Lord have you gained weight—you've learned to play with each other; you've learned to comfort each other and you've started learning how to be tiny humans. You've shown me that no matter what there's something bigger than me at play here. You push me to remember that life is so much more than anything I ever dreamed it could be.

You've changed my life in 365 days without ever saying an actual English word.

So many people tell me congratulations for making it to this day—for surviving this year, your first year. But honestly, I can't remember much about it. I remember snapshots, I remember certain shirts you had and little outings and small milestones, but I don’t remember January per se.

I vividly remember the day Alex sized out of preemie clothes. I vividly remember all the days I cried because I thought I was "messing up" as your mom. Like last night for example. I hope you forgive me for doing that. I didn't mess up; we made it to October 7, 2015.

This year was so fun, I hate to see it go, but damn, I'm ready for the next chapter. I'm ready to watch my twin toddlers learn to run and explore and watch seven million more Professor Toto and King Julien episodes and eat mac and cheese and do all the kid stuff.

I love you more than I will ever say, and you will always be my babies. But I think we're all ready for this transition from babyhood and I know we will "survive" it the way we always have: by figuring it out together.

Happy birthday, I hope you always love your flawed momma the best.

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